My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
