I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
