I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
