I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
