One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize