The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
