I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
