I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My feet surprised me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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