I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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