mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
