Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
