I'm so fucking centered right now
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Of course I have a pirate flag
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
