Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
