last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
