All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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