she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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