i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
