If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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