i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
