I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
