You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
