I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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