I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
