i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
