god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
