dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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