New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
