happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
