textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
