Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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