i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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