you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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