I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
