I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
