I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
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