my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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