Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
