Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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