God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
