Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
