Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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