I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
