I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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