Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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