What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
