its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
