put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
