I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
