either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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