I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
