I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
