you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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