A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
