OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
