Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
