just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
