I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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