Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
