i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
