Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
